Rebirth & Rebuild
I feel like I have been going through this massive metamorphosis, a season of shedding and change. I have even referred to it as an ego death, where I felt like my eyes were finally open to the world and I realised that almost everything that I believed to be true about life, who I should be and what I was allowed, was all just a bunch of bullshit. A moment where I was able to start to drown out all the noise and question its validity.
It felt like that old version of me who was brought up to follow life’s rules, you know the ones, fall in love, get married, have kids, buy a house and work a 9-5 and be happy with just that, she had died. She was done trying to fit in, being shamed for wanting more and feeling guilty for not being enough. She was done with feeling empty when deep down she just knew that there had to be more to life than just this.
This has all been a part of the personal spiritual journey that I somehow found myself on but I never expected it to go this far or this deep. I had a very spiritual moment on New Year’s Day that I liken to a baptism which represented my spiritual rebirth. On New Year’s Eve I suffered a loss and would spend the days preceding that dealing with the business side of death and supporting those who needed me in this time. God knows that I have been through enough trauma in my life that being calm in a crisis is now a strength of mine. But before I could do that something inside me was pulling me and calling me to the ocean. The only way I can describe it is that it was the deep sense of knowing that is exactly what I needed to do.
I packed up the kid and our things and we headed down to the beach, early on New Year’s Day. When we arrived I was overcome with just how peaceful it was, hardly another soul out there. As we walked into the water it was so fresh and cool and I had this call again to dive under the water. Not for one second did I resist this calling, and as I dived under the water it was like everything, all the hurt, the pain and the past were washed away. When I emerged from the ocean I felt new and empowered. It was like I had a blank slate and there was a strength I felt knowing this is my time to become whoever I want to be, no rules, no societal expectations or pressure. That I know get to start over and do life my way and be whoever the fuck I want to be.
Now this is still all very raw and new and this year so far has thrown curveballs at me, which have forced me to roll with the waves like never before. There have been times where I have broken down and tried to retreat back to my old self. And I would say that I have been through not just one quantum leap but two this year already. After the second one is when I really realised that I was given this blank slate to completely rebuild myself and my life on.
That journey is a work in progress and I’m discovering that I really get to create this from the ground up. When I was younger I would always lose myself in whatever phase of my life I was in. That I would go all in on what the stereotypical version of that phase or lifestyle was. I was an avid surfer growing up and of course I immersed myself in that culture completely. I became a stereotypical surfer girl, wearing only surf brands, doing the activities a surfer would do, talking like a surfer. Fuck I would eat, breathe and sleep surfing. I did the same when I was wrestling, I let these things consume me completely that I would lose myself in the process.
What I am loving about this journey is all those old ‘phases’ are coming back to me, I have rediscovered my love of the ocean and water in a whole new way. But now I can enjoy those parts of myself and incorporate them into what I love, without losing who I am in the process. Those things make up a part of me but they do not define who I am anymore and let me tell you that is a fucking powerful place to be. To finally be able to discover who I am, know that I am enough and love who I am fiercely, without the need to ‘fit in’ anymore.